Things Panamanians Like

If you have been in Panama for more than 2 months and have not heard someone say, “hey, you should really get your teeth whitened by my friend, he’s a dentist,” then you probably have not been truly living.

The dentistry infatuation in Panama starts as children. An important part of Panamanian childhood is going to school in a dentist outfit. You may notice that a lot of Panamanians first study nursing but as you will find out, this is just a secret way to help them get to dentistry.

If you really want to make a splash at a Panamanian party, you can ask if anyone knows a good dentist. This is sooo good. It is like asking a Norwegian if they are familiar with smoked salmon. Because before you know it, you will have like 10 or 20 business cards of dentists in front of you. You may even have one of the party members themselves offering to inspect your mouth. The only thing more common is a friend who is a lawyer but at least you can trust the dentists.

If you come to Panama, you will hear the word chombo said in a lot of scenarios. People use it in affectionate ways, they use it in condescending ways, and they even use it to describe hot sauce. But to help out the foreigner trying to assimilate to Panamanian culture, can someone help us understand exactly what the chombo means?

Although there is a full Panamanian consensus on a lot of things, perhaps the most universal one is having the water shut off without notice. In most cultures, hearing your water will be disconnected for multiple days in a row is considered a disaster, a horror. How will I wash my hair? most people think. But when you hear it in Panama, it is not advised to get annoyed because you will appear out of place.

The first step is to go to the local chino and purchase as many bottles of water as you can until they run out (usually within 2 or 3 hours). The next thing to do is beckon a friend who lives near the Panama Canal Zone since their water almost never gets shut off. It is considered OK to ask this friend if you can come use their shower but only when the water is shut off in your neighborhood. Do not do this any other time of year or you will seem cholo. The third thing you must do to blend in when the water gets shut off in Panama is complain about it but never actually search for an answer.

If you want to accelerate your immersion process and make friends quickly, you can tell Panamanian acquaintances that the water shut down has to do with the new Metro (this because everyone likes the new Metro and thus, it’s no big deal). You can also say it has something to do with Bosco the Mayor. Since no one really likes him, you will find Panamanian unity in that point of view too.

If you see a Panamanian woman and wonder what she likes to do in her spare time, the best thing you can do is ask her if she knows about any handbags for sale. It is a known fact that all Panamanian women, at some point in their life, have sold handbags or hair products out of their bedroom.

Many people associate selling handbags from your bedroom or trunk with stolen goods, but for Panamanians, it makes a statement that they are fashionable and they have access to a place like Miami and Las Vegas. It is also important that these “ventas” are “100% original” and “piezas unicas” so to distinguish the high class salesmen from the little illegal handbag shops in the ghetto.

One nice thing about selling handbags is that it allows Panamanians to take pictures of themselves in the mirror (with the merchandise) then upload the pictures to Facebook. However this industry might be dying a little bit with the Free Trade Agreement now in place.

Panamanians aren’t much for change. But to combat, one of the easiest ways to create something new that Panamanians will like is to adorn it with some form of plantains. This usually applies to food, but sometimes, the mere comfort of having a pile of raw plantains around a room is enough too.

You see, Panamanians don’t generally like international cuisines, so it is a secret of the restauranteurs and mothers of Panamanian society, to always compliment their new creation with the plantain. Like the eskimos have various words for snow, Panamanians like their plantains as platanos, platanos of temptation, platanos in the shape of small baskets,  tajadas, and even platanitos (chips). These are used to adorn pretty much any plate of international cuisine in Panama. For instance, you might get lasagna along with a salad (it is important that this salad is shredded lettuce and does not have any dressing) and a platano. As mentioned before on this site, pretty much any sushi roll with plantains is a winner.*

*If you want to befriend many Panamanians, when coming over for dinner parties, you should know the unwritten rule of BYOP.

One of the first gringos ever to get "espasmo" in Panama

Submitted by “Le Habla Dios”

Panamanians have a lot of superstitions but the most serious and dangerous one is something known only as “espasmo.” Espasmo is as mysterious as it is harmful and you should not do anything in Panama without knowing the central espasmo rules.

First. Don’t iron. Don’t ever iron. If you iron and anytime thereafter encounter moisture (be it a sink or a toilet or a tropical downpour), espasmo rule #1 says half of your face will freeze for eternity. Have you ever seen someone walking with a serious limp, whose body appears to be half paralyzed? Espasmo.

Second, don’t ever engage the body in a sinister combination of hot and cold. If you are organizing your freezer, for example, and then are forced to cook a hot soup, be extremely watchful. Half of your arm will go limp for the rest of your life. In some countries this is diagnosed as carpal tunnel or arthritis. In Panama? Espasmo.

Third, don’t ever, ever, ever consume watermelon in the vicinity of liquor. Panamanians will drink just about anything but the moment watermelon is introduced, all bets are off. Just about every Panamanian knows someone who has fallen to the watermelon-liquor espasmo. Just ask.

In general, a good rule to remember about “espasmo” is that it cannot be explained or medically proven but that does not mean it doesn’t exist. All Panamanians of all ages know about espasmo yet are very cautious who they explain it to. They are also not too sure exactly what happens when you get espasmo, but all know someone who has gotten infected. If you have seen the crippled man on the street or the lady with the really ugly face, then you have seen espasmo too.

In the old days of Panamanian culture, people used to look up to tribal chiefs and Spanish conquistadors and the Arias family. These were the people they loved and every night before they went to sleep, they wished the next morning they might have half their fame or fortune or charm. But in the modern day Panama that role has been replaced by Winnie the Pooh.

Winnie the Pooh represents everything Panamanians love: he hangs out at Disneyland, he speaks English, you can make pinatas to look like him…etc. Panamanians young and old adore Winnie the Pooh almost as much as they adore Irving Saladino.

If you are out and about in Panama, there are two places you can see Winnie the Pooh everywhere: 1) in the form of small stuffed animals dangling from taxi rear view mirrors (beside the car fresheners) and 2) Albrook Mall. Albrook Mall has so many stores that sell things with Winnie illegally printed on them that I’m surprised one of the wings doesn’t have Winnie instead of a lifesized dinosaur. In Panama, Winnie the Pooh is almost as popular as Real Madrid/Barcelona.

It is a fact that Panamanians will never turn down the opportunity to WIN BIG so when they are presented with “chance” or “billete” which are Panama’s domestic lottery tickets, they almost always give in. At the traffic stoplight, in front of El Rey (another thing Panamanians like), or even just shouted out in the street. Knowing the chance/billete lottery system is helpful because you can talk about it at a Panamanian dinner party: everyone there will have bought a chance/billete once in their lifetime and everyone will have a story about someone they know who won chance/billete.

It is important to note that chance/billete is a different type of gambling then slot machines (yet another thing Panamanians like). The lottery allows you to pick your own favorite numbers. You can usually pick them from the wooden box that has all the tickets sitting on the vendor’s lap*. Winning big is so popular that there is a Panamanian film about it called Chance. It is a great film that any foreigner should watch to assimilate themselves before they come to Panama. All foreigners should also watch this chance/billete video before they come to Panama so not to appear uninformed.

*Old men who sell lottery tickets also like guayaberas.

It is widely known that Panamanians like the idea of English and enjoy using it just about any chance they get. But one thing that is not public knowledge is that at parties and on weekends, Panamanians really enjoy speaking Spanish with a bad gringo accent. You can hear this display sometimes on Panamanian television. The announcers will speak like a hick from South Carolina attempting Spanish*.

Remember, it is hard-wired into their heads that all gringos speak with a hard “R” so when they say, “PeRmisou, dounday estah el sou-peR-meR-cadou?” it is meant to sound like a bad surf instructor from San Diego.  And much like most things with Panamanians, they win either way. If you laugh and agree that all gringos speak Spanish with bad accents, they feel vindicated. If you argue and say that not all gringos speak like that, you will probably be making your case in Spanish with a bad accent which is exactly the point.

*A hick with a large vocabulary and perfect semantics.

The guayabera is an essential part of the Panamanian wardrobe so it is a good idea for you to familiarize yourself with all colors, styles and qualities of guayaberas, should the opportunity arise for you to utilize your knowledge (and thus impress locals).

When you think about who wears guayaberas, it is essential to consider also the circumstances. Just about all Panamanian men have worn a guayabera, but the place and time they wore it is most important. Little Panamanian boys will wear guayaberas at school-organized plays. If they live in the Azuero Peninsula, they may even be forced to wear guayaberas to church on the weekends. If they live in Punta Pacifica or Costa del Este, little boys will also wear guayaberas to weddings (realizing that their nanny is responsible for keeping the guayabera clean).

Middle aged men in Panama will wear guayaberas a) if they are foreigners and trying to associate with elite Panamanians (almost always accompanied by a Panama hat and/or cigar), b) if they are a taxi driver over the age of 60, or c) if they are elite Panamanians at a function 100% non-work-related (note: it would be a sin for a wealthy Panamanian to be seen wearing a guayabera driving his car near a synagogue because he may be mistaken for the chaufer of some Jews). In a category of their own, are Panamanian politicians who will wear guayaberas while campaigning for election so to connect with the campesino people.

Panamanians also appreciate the comfort and style of guayaberas. So much so, that on the weekends, you can find “guayabera parties” where men congregate around Toyota Prados and eat their food on paper plates. For some reason, they always have these parties in the parking lot outside of the Club Union.