Things Panamanians Like

One of the first gringos ever to get "espasmo" in Panama

Submitted by “Le Habla Dios”

Panamanians have a lot of superstitions but the most serious and dangerous one is something known only as “espasmo.” Espasmo is as mysterious as it is harmful and you should not do anything in Panama without knowing the central espasmo rules.

First. Don’t iron. Don’t ever iron. If you iron and anytime thereafter encounter moisture (be it a sink or a toilet or a tropical downpour), espasmo rule #1 says half of your face will freeze for eternity. Have you ever seen someone walking with a serious limp, whose body appears to be half paralyzed? Espasmo.

Second, don’t ever engage the body in a sinister combination of hot and cold. If you are organizing your freezer, for example, and then are forced to cook a hot soup, be extremely watchful. Half of your arm will go limp for the rest of your life. In some countries this is diagnosed as carpal tunnel or arthritis. In Panama? Espasmo.

Third, don’t ever, ever, ever consume watermelon in the vicinity of liquor. Panamanians will drink just about anything but the moment watermelon is introduced, all bets are off. Just about every Panamanian knows someone who has fallen to the watermelon-liquor espasmo. Just ask.

In general, a good rule to remember about “espasmo” is that it cannot be explained or medically proven but that does not mean it doesn’t exist. All Panamanians of all ages know about espasmo yet are very cautious who they explain it to. They are also not too sure exactly what happens when you get espasmo, but all know someone who has gotten infected. If you have seen the crippled man on the street or the lady with the really ugly face, then you have seen espasmo too.

In the old days of Panamanian culture, people used to look up to tribal chiefs and Spanish conquistadors and the Arias family. These were the people they loved and every night before they went to sleep, they wished the next morning they might have half their fame or fortune or charm. But in the modern day Panama that role has been replaced by Winnie the Pooh.

Winnie the Pooh represents everything Panamanians love: he hangs out at Disneyland, he speaks English, you can make pinatas to look like him…etc. Panamanians young and old adore Winnie the Pooh almost as much as they adore Irving Saladino.

If you are out and about in Panama, there are two places you can see Winnie the Pooh everywhere: 1) in the form of small stuffed animals dangling from taxi rear view mirrors (beside the car fresheners) and 2) Albrook Mall. Albrook Mall has so many stores that sell things with Winnie illegally printed on them that I’m surprised one of the wings doesn’t have Winnie instead of a lifesized dinosaur. In Panama, Winnie the Pooh is almost as popular as Real Madrid/Barcelona.

It is a fact that Panamanians will never turn down the opportunity to WIN BIG so when they are presented with “chance” or “billete” which are Panama’s domestic lottery tickets, they almost always give in. At the traffic stoplight, in front of El Rey (another thing Panamanians like), or even just shouted out in the street. Knowing the chance/billete lottery system is helpful because you can talk about it at a Panamanian dinner party: everyone there will have bought a chance/billete once in their lifetime and everyone will have a story about someone they know who won chance/billete.

It is important to note that chance/billete is a different type of gambling then slot machines (yet another thing Panamanians like). The lottery allows you to pick your own favorite numbers. You can usually pick them from the wooden box that has all the tickets sitting on the vendor’s lap*. Winning big is so popular that there is a Panamanian film about it called Chance. It is a great film that any foreigner should watch to assimilate themselves before they come to Panama. All foreigners should also watch this chance/billete video before they come to Panama so not to appear uninformed.

*Old men who sell lottery tickets also like guayaberas.

It is widely known that Panamanians like the idea of English and enjoy using it just about any chance they get. But one thing that is not public knowledge is that at parties and on weekends, Panamanians really enjoy speaking Spanish with a bad gringo accent. You can hear this display sometimes on Panamanian television. The announcers will speak like a hick from South Carolina attempting Spanish*.

Remember, it is hard-wired into their heads that all gringos speak with a hard “R” so when they say, “PeRmisou, dounday estah el sou-peR-meR-cadou?” it is meant to sound like a bad surf instructor from San Diego.  And much like most things with Panamanians, they win either way. If you laugh and agree that all gringos speak Spanish with bad accents, they feel vindicated. If you argue and say that not all gringos speak like that, you will probably be making your case in Spanish with a bad accent which is exactly the point.

*A hick with a large vocabulary and perfect semantics.

The guayabera is an essential part of the Panamanian wardrobe so it is a good idea for you to familiarize yourself with all colors, styles and qualities of guayaberas, should the opportunity arise for you to utilize your knowledge (and thus impress locals).

When you think about who wears guayaberas, it is essential to consider also the circumstances. Just about all Panamanian men have worn a guayabera, but the place and time they wore it is most important. Little Panamanian boys will wear guayaberas at school-organized plays. If they live in the Azuero Peninsula, they may even be forced to wear guayaberas to church on the weekends. If they live in Punta Pacifica or Costa del Este, little boys will also wear guayaberas to weddings (realizing that their nanny is responsible for keeping the guayabera clean).

Middle aged men in Panama will wear guayaberas a) if they are foreigners and trying to associate with elite Panamanians (almost always accompanied by a Panama hat and/or cigar), b) if they are a taxi driver over the age of 60, or c) if they are elite Panamanians at a function 100% non-work-related (note: it would be a sin for a wealthy Panamanian to be seen wearing a guayabera driving his car near a synagogue because he may be mistaken for the chaufer of some Jews). In a category of their own, are Panamanian politicians who will wear guayaberas while campaigning for election so to connect with the campesino people.

Panamanians also appreciate the comfort and style of guayaberas. So much so, that on the weekends, you can find “guayabera parties” where men congregate around Toyota Prados and eat their food on paper plates. For some reason, they always have these parties in the parking lot outside of the Club Union.

With the growth of foreigners from non-kissing-when-you-say-Hi countries, Panamanians could easily adapt and return with a handshake or simply keep their own custom of kissing on the cheek. But both of these would be too easy. Instead, Panamanians (specifically females) prefer to give a half handshake. A limp handshake. Advanced Panamanians will even position their hands in a way that you might interpret as waiting for a hand kiss but this is not the case. It is just a different version of the limp handshake: used to instill confusion.

Although there is a full Panamanian consensus on a number of things Panamanians like, there is nothing that draws more Panamanian acclaim than using English on occasion. We all know that Panamanians like “Happy Birthday” and “My Name is Panama” but an interesting new phrase that Panamanians like is “Thanks God.”

It is very important to understand that it does not matter what education level a Panamanian has. They will always use this term no matter what. Some  non-Panamanians believe the extra “s” in “Thanks” comes from the last “s” in Gracias. But no one can be too sure. Note: Thanks God can be abbreviated in forums like Facebook as “Tks God” or “Thx God.”